Lukewarm

I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. 
Revelation 3:15-16.


Lukewarm.
The mere word makes me cringe, thinking of the meaning:
1. moderately warm: TEPID.
Tepid. Half and half. Not a specific side, not one or the other. Halfway.
I can be half and half sometimes. No specific side.
Yes, I love Jesus. I have a relationship with my Savior.
Yes, I like that guy. I have a relationship with my sins, my past.
No, I want nothing more than to give my all to my Lord. Full faith.
No, I want nothing more than to stay back, give in a little. 
Tepid.
Lukewarm.


Lukewarm.
There are other meanings that I avoid, because of my choices:
2. lacking conviction: HALFHEARTED. 
Tepid: lacking in passion, heart, or zest.
Where is my heart?
I love Jesus. I am sold out to my Savior.
I love other things. I am sold out to worldly issues - dating, friends, relationships, choices I shouldn't be making.
Halfhearted.
Tepid.
Lukewarm.


My works are neither cold nor hot.
There is no sitting on the fence, no in between.
God doesn't want halfhearted people. No children lacking in zest, lacking in passion. 
I want the passion that can only come from a love so great, so powerful, that no other can possibly pretend to imitate it. 
I am afraid. I want to be a fly on the wall, not using my true potential. My true talents. A face in the crowd.
But yes, I say, I love Jesus. I'm all in with my faith.
Then why am I hiding? Why am I afraid to go full out? 
Lacking in passion. Halfhearted.
Tepid.
Lukewarm.