Lukewarm

I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. 
Revelation 3:15-16.


Lukewarm.
The mere word makes me cringe, thinking of the meaning:
1. moderately warm: TEPID.
Tepid. Half and half. Not a specific side, not one or the other. Halfway.
I can be half and half sometimes. No specific side.
Yes, I love Jesus. I have a relationship with my Savior.
Yes, I like that guy. I have a relationship with my sins, my past.
No, I want nothing more than to give my all to my Lord. Full faith.
No, I want nothing more than to stay back, give in a little. 
Tepid.
Lukewarm.


Lukewarm.
There are other meanings that I avoid, because of my choices:
2. lacking conviction: HALFHEARTED. 
Tepid: lacking in passion, heart, or zest.
Where is my heart?
I love Jesus. I am sold out to my Savior.
I love other things. I am sold out to worldly issues - dating, friends, relationships, choices I shouldn't be making.
Halfhearted.
Tepid.
Lukewarm.


My works are neither cold nor hot.
There is no sitting on the fence, no in between.
God doesn't want halfhearted people. No children lacking in zest, lacking in passion. 
I want the passion that can only come from a love so great, so powerful, that no other can possibly pretend to imitate it. 
I am afraid. I want to be a fly on the wall, not using my true potential. My true talents. A face in the crowd.
But yes, I say, I love Jesus. I'm all in with my faith.
Then why am I hiding? Why am I afraid to go full out? 
Lacking in passion. Halfhearted.
Tepid.
Lukewarm.

My Giant

My giant:

won't mind that my best friends are the ones I go to all of the time.

won't worry if I don't check up every hour with him.

won't be jealous if I talk to people without asking him first.

won't mind that I stick my feet in between his ankles if we're sitting together.

won't laugh - much - that I have the appetite of a teenage boy.

won't laugh - much - that all I tend to eat is chicken.

won't care that I sing and hum in the car - loudly.

won't mind me blasting the bass in my car on a good song.

won't be bothered by calling me goodnight every night.

won't be ashamed to talk to me in front of his friends.

won't be scared of me and all of my antics. 

won't be intimidated by my faith.

My giant:

will love God first and foremost.

will understand that I need to place God first in our relationship.

will hold my hand, always.

will help me and guide me in my walk with Christ.

will watch stupid movies like The Notebook with me.

will watch awesome movies like The Avengers with me.

will be a solid leader for our relationship.

will read the Bible with me and enjoy talking about it.

will sing with me in the car.

will play football with me when we feel like it.

will tell me how he's doing in his faith, every day.

will be there for me through everything, encouraging, loving, and supporting me every step of the way.

It's a daunting list.

He's out there somewhere, though,

with a list that looks like mine

waiting for me.

My giant:

the man God is waiting to place in my life at the perfect time, to let me be with forever and always.

Proverbs 16:9

"The heart of a woman plans her way, but the Lord establishes her steps." - Proverbs 16:9.

My heart has it's own ideas. Plans it wants to see happen. 
Some are connected to my head. 
Some are from You. Mainly they are from me, 
and are not what I need. 
You don't let me take a step towards those plans, not an inch in that direction. 
No starting leaps to something that won't help me, 
possibly hinder me. You are planning my steps. 
Help me let You draw the map, my life map, my story, instead of me. 
I, who can't even see the road in front of me, 
even the road I'm on, 
trying to take the pen from You, 
the One who created every mountain, 
every valley, 
every shadowy corner and uncertain path. 
Every path less traveled that shall be traveled by me. 
Let me follow Your footsteps, like footprints in the snow, 
clean and pure. 
Exactly what You want for me. 
My heart has it's own ideas. Let them be attuned to Yours. 
Let my heart be the compass to the map You are creating for my life. 
Establish my steps. 
Create my path. 
Lead me down that road You are calling me towards. 
Show me something new at every turn, every bend in the road. 


And let me soar.

Grace like Rain

hallelujah, 

grace like rain

falls down on me

washing away my sin, my shame, my secrets, my pain

all taken away by the one act 

that can never be replicated

but that i have taken for granted.

with your grace,

wash my head, cleanse me from thoughts that arent from you

wash my eyes, 

so i may see those you want me to reach

wash my ears, 

so i may listen for your voice

wash my mouth,

so i may speak only helpful, loving words, not ones of hate

wash my arms, 

so they may reach out to your hurting children

wash my hands, 

so they may touch others with your love

wash my knees, 

so i can bow and kneel at your throne without stains

wash my legs, 

so i can freely dance for you

wash my feet,

so i can walk on the path that you have called me to 

hallelujah,

your grace like rain

falling down  on me

finally washing me clean

This time, I will not lose.

Today I resolve to change.

Today I resolve to become a new me,

a new creation.

Time and time again I've said this same promise,

spoken these same words

with the same sincere heart.

And time and time again, 

I've had to be forgiven,

seventy times seven,

but it's okay. You say it's okay.

So I will listen.

This time, I will not let You down.

This time, I will not lose.

Today I resolve to change.

Today I resolve to live out Your word, Your promise to me:

Your daughter, Your beloved princess.

This time, I accept that I will face challenges.

Adversity is not something new to me. It has taken me down, defeated me in the past.

This time, I will not accept defeat.

This time, I will turn to my side and realize You are there.

This time, I will let You fight my battles, instead of trying to myself.

I am no David, armed with stones. I am no Deborah, ready to face an army.

I am simply a small girl, waiting for Her Father to help. You are there, waiting for me to ask.

So I will ask.

This time, I will not lose.

Today I resolve to change. 

Today I resolve to start anew, beginning a new page in my life.

Clean slate, wiped empty and fresh by His blood, His tears, 

His scarred hands taking the blame from mine.

This time, I will make something beautiful out of my scars.

This time, I will recognize Your plan for me,

and stop trying to write my own story.

My slate is clean, but only You can write the words that fill my pages.

So I will watch. I will wait. 

I will read and view as my story becomes one of the most beautiful love tales of all time,

written by the One who loves me most.

There is no second best here, no unhappy endings. No one can have a better story than mine, because mine is just for me. No one can compete with it.

This time, I will not lose.

Scars

They say all scars tell a story.

They say all scars tell a story,
and that every story is meant to be heard.
By why mine? Why my scars?
The hurt is too private, 
no one would understand.


They say all scars tell a story,
but it's not one I want to tell.
You wouldn't understand.
My scars are too deep to bring to light,
they're the ones I am ashamed of, 
scared of.


They say all scars tell a story,
but who would want to listen?
My story is hard to say,
it hurts,
it's painful,
keep it inside.
My scars are mine alone.


They say all scars tell a story
but are mine really the worst?
There are stories far more important to tell
of love 
and redemption,
of sacrifice.
My perfect lamb, His palms, marred by my scars, my secrets,
those I tried to hide, 
the worst of me
on display for His majesty.


They say all scars tell a story,
the perfect story of love,
of faith, of surrender.
My scars are private, painful,
but they speak of surrender, 
of peace,
of coming
back
home.


They say all scars tell a story,
and mine is calling out to be told.
My Savior touching the scars,
making them whole.
Perfect, 
untouched, 
a beautiful testimony
to Him and His story.


They say all scars tell a story.
Mine have a matching set.
The palms of His hands and the depths of my heart,
together they form a beautiful love,
a beautiful surrender.
Only He can complete my story.


They say all scars tell a story.
They're all waiting to be told.
Listen to your scars,
what are they saying to you?